Dear California,
It’s fucking February. Why was today so damn hot? You’re lucky my boobs look fantastic in this tank top/lacy bra ensemble because that’s about the only thing that could come close to making up for the fact that I’m wearing spaghetti straps in fucking February.
You and Oregon need to learn what the seasons mean.
No love,
Me.
(submitted by skeletree)
Dear Conservative Relative,
I understand that people have a right to their opinions. I have never, ever said that people don’t, nor have I ever said they don’t have a right to express those opinions. That is well within their freedom of speech and I wouldn’t ever try to take that away from someone.
However. Freedom of speech also means that I’m allowed to express what I think about someone else’s opinion. Opinions are not sacred simply because they’re opinions. If someone decides to say what they think in a public forum (such as on television), then I have every right to say whatever the hell I want to about that opinion!
And yes, a person who holds extremely sexist, racist, and homophobic opinions is pretty despicable, regardless of their actions. You don’t even hardly like the person in question, so why are you so quick to defend their opinions? More importantly, why are you always so damned determined to keep me from expressing mine?
No love,
Me.
(submitted by skeletree)
Dear FedEx,
Why do you hate me? I used the USPS to mail a package to Georgia - Georgia! From California! That’s from one end of the freakin’ United States to the other! - and it only took two and a half days. The recipient of that package used you, FedEx, and guess what? We are on the sixth day of waiting. Despite declaring that you have a sparkling, swift Two-Day Service, you are evidently just determined to crush my spirit.
Is it because my house is hard to find? It shouldn’t be. It’s right here, next to all these other houses that you’ve been delivering to. My address is just there, up where it’s easy to see, in great big bold numbers. It even lights up at night, so you can see it in the dark!
I don’t know what your game is, but it’s a cruel one. Thanks for nothing.
No love,
Me
(submitted by for-a-lark)
Dear Crazy, Delusional Fans,
No, your favorite actor or actress does not want to date you, Full Stop.
When an actor you love gets a girlfriend, the appropriate response is not to start spouting slurs. This makes you look like a psycho bitch, and in fact, you are showing everyone how unstable you really are. You do not know her. You do not even know HIM. Frankly, your possessiveness over someone who does not know you exist and whom you have most likely never met is kind of terrifying.
When an attractive actor comes out of the closet, the correct response is NOT to exclaim that it’s “a huge waste.” No, you were never going to date him. No, he was not going to fall madly in love with you and father a gaggle of children. You are in fact being extremely disrespectful of him, his orientation, his choice, and his possible mate/family.
Saying that you are actually kind of glad he’s gay because you could not bear to see him with another woman is not only also disrespectful, but really sort of creepy.
You are delusional. You are creepy. You are part of what makes a lot of people consider the term ‘fangirl’ to be such a stigma. STOP IT.
No love,
Me
(submitted by for-a-lark)
Dear Young Panera Employee,
You’re cute. You have a nice personality. You’ve been at Panera longer than I have.
But.
When you’re supposed to do a bunch of things before you leave so that I don’t have to do them before I leave at 10pm, do them. Do them without me having to remind you, and then feel like a jerk because I’m telling you how to do your job. Do them without stopping to chat with Dishwasher-You-Flirt-With-ALL-THE-TIME every five seconds, and I swear you’ll be ready to go home early. Do them so that I, who started working three hours before you and will continue working two hours after you leave, isn’t pissed when you “forget” to sweep/mop/clean, and I have to do your job on top of mine. Do them so I don’t secretly resent you for the rest of my employment at this godforsaken job.
No love,
Me
(submitted by if-inconvenient)
Dear Possible Future Cop in my Criminal Law class,
No, it is not actually acceptable to use coercion on a suspect. Ignoring the fact that your eagerness to use your gun and fists to intimidate someone for information is terrifying, that tactic is extremely ineffective. There are reasons besides morality for not torturing suspects: they will say whatever they think you want to hear to get you to stop and to feel safe.
And no, that doesn’t mean you just “keep doing whatever it takes until they tell the truth” because you don’t know what the truth is. That’s why you’re questioning them! “Truth” is not synonymous with “what you think the truth is”.
I hope you fail this class.
No love,
Me
